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| Wow. Edmund just called me to tell me that a new member of Twin Oaks named Allen committed suicide last night. I am shocked, he is in emotional shock. I had been around him some during my visitor period, but met him for the first time during my visit last weekend. He was joking about how people kept calling him Ghost by accident, but he just went along with it. Ghost is another member and they look similar.
I pray that his partner gets the support she needs, and that his family and communards seek refuge in eachother during their grieving. This is an extremely hard loss for everyone there, and it deeply saddens me to hear about it. I hope that in sharing and commemorating his life people will be brought closer together in some way.
Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers.
I wish I could be there for Ed, he said he is feeling really sad and frightened. And that he was going to leave his door open tonight. I hope no one else is led by depression into doing the same thing during these hard times.
Reflections of my travels..
On a different note, my trip went really well. It was also great to see Caitlin and Brian. I arrived in the Oaks on Wednesday and walked down to Tupelo to meet Edmund in his room, but he had left a note that he had to go feed the chickens and would be back soon. So, I laid in bed and read some of his book, admiring the fact that it said that the women who were raised around water and mountains were always beautiful. When he came in, he had the biggest grin ever and jumped into bed full of hugs and excitement and kisses. We laid together for a long time, kissing, laughing and catching up. Then we went to dinner, walked, etc. Many Oakers were very welcoming to me and it made me really happy. I got to catch up with several friends which was good.
I stayed in Caroline's room in TaChai, but ended up spending every night with Edmund. He made me his herbed bitter tea, read me poems, played and sang me songs, picked me raspberries, kissed my ears, made love to me for the first time. We had alot of fun going on walks in the woods, listening to records, hanging out in the Tupelo kitchen. I read him the Torah and Saul Williams. We talked about our realtionship and came to some great understandings and agreements. I was really pleased to see how similar our goals, desires and needs were; which was a great contrast to the previous conversation I had with Matt before I left. Speaking of which, I am taking time to think about that.
After lunch on Friday we drove to Richmond to visit Caitlin and Brian. The river trip was awesome (Edmund absolutely loved it) and even though dinner was a mess, I still had lots of fun. On Saturday we drove route 6, a back road, to Louisa and stopped at the Fluvianna Heritage Trail in Palmyra for a picnic. We hiked first, and got sucked into the gross swamp mud of the river. Once we got to a not muddy place it was beautiful and calm. After lunch we got back to Louisa and enjoyed our last night together singing and playing songs (mostly grateful dead), listening to Joni Mitchell, CSNY & Bob Dylan records, and snuggling up under the blankets. When he sang "She belongs to me", it brought a tear to my eye. I had alot of anxiety dreams during my travels, but slept really well the last night.
Ultimately, I am happy and doing well. I got a 98 on my last REL test, which is awesome! Since I've been home, it's been hectic and back to the crazy life of Mattea. I'm working on that though. Trying to break some habits and get into some good routines. I went jogging three times today, just to shake off the weird energy I was feeling. My shoulder had been in alot of pain today, I woke up thinking it was out of it's socket or something. Abdoul massaged it earlier and now I can atleast move it. Applying for VCU has it's complications and questions, I'm hoping I can meet with my advisor to see how far I am from getting an associates degree, as keeping NRCC's tuition would be wise if achievable. Thursday, I'm planning to go to Asheville for LEAF to see Arrested Development, Zap Mama, and Mamadou Diabate! Yay for that.
She's got everything she needs,
She's an artist, she don't look back.
She can take the dark out of the nighttime
And paint the daytime black.You will start out standing
Proud to steal her anything she sees.
But you will wind up peeking through her keyhole
Down upon your knees. She never stumbles,
She's got no place to fall. | | |
| It's time to prepare,
Black clouds, sky falling
Put a hand in the air.
Life isn't working out right now. I feel lost and hurt and sad. Yeah, what I want is to have a deep relationship, and I don't think I can. I should give it time, and I'm trying, but I want love and affection here and now. Is that so much to ask? I'm battling with someone I really care for and want to be with and wishing they could accept my relationship choices. But that's not working out, and it seems it won't unless I make the decision to change everything again. And I'm feeling very frustrated with this.
I'm hearing the echo of my past reactions to open-relationships through Matt's reactions and arguments and realizing that I wasn't any different. And how could I change his mind? How could anyone change mine? And how can I not respect that he should be special enough to be the only one? I certainly felt that way. Maybe I can't do this, maybe I can only make one decision, which is- do I want to pass up on an opportunity to be with him?
And I get weak, I get weary
I miss sleep, I get moody
I'm in thoughts, I write songs
I'm in love, I walk on | | |
| But will I hold you again?
These fickle, fuddled words confuse me
Like 'Will it rain today?'
Waste the hours with talking, talking..
With these twisted game we play
Things seem to be working out. I just got off the phone with Edmund and I told him about Matt. He is okay with it all, and we have agreed to talk more about those negotiations when I come. Besides that, I'm happy to be visiting him so soon. I wish him and Matt could meet and spend time with eachother. I really think they'd get along. I hope what I said about him tonight hasn't painted an incorrect picture of him. Me and Matt still haven't talked about Edmund, but he is aware of my feelings for another partner and was informed of them initially. I told him he had the right to ask whatever questions he wanted about that relationship, or as little. We both didn't see a need for details about it, thus far, but considering the recent shifts in things I think it is important to do so. This is all new for me, and I'm doing my best but it can still be difficult to feel out things sometimes.
I had a fun and tiring weekend with visiting friends, and can't wait to get a full night's rest once and for all. Hamilton has been visiting for the last week and we have had lots of fun talking and going for nice walks. Jen was in town for the weekend, and we got to hang out which made me so very happy. And Jordan photographed our hot love puddle with Danny, this sweet English guy with tons of holes in his face and pretty tattoos. Virgo love! My weekend was full of virgo. Danny, Hamilton, and Morgan- all virgos! Interesting stuff. I've really been getting into astrology, takes notes, asking and noticing differences and similarities between people and comparing it with the legit stuff. I'm seeing alot of truth in it.
I've been having some weird pelvic pains lately, nothing compared to the typical stuff. I'm gonna try to get an appointment tomorrow. Part of it sorta feels like my body is really really ready to have a period, and wants the nuva ring out, now. Thankfully it will be coming out tomorrow and hopefully having my period will clear things us as it usually does. Also! School is going great. Thus far the material is so engaging and great. I should post more on that. I shall! I'm learning alot about everything.
Oh, and! I forgot. Matt and I had a really great talk on this "deadline". 2-3 weeks was the consensus, sometime in mid-October he will firmly decide if he wants to end that relationship. During that two weeks, he and her, and him and I will be discussing important questions. This makes sense for me. But that is it! I thought long and hard on it, and felt like yes, there is a space between him and I where his relationship overlaps on our progress, and that needs to be resolved before we can continue. But, I also feel like if he ends it, we should be able to keep dating comfortably and see where it leads. Not like, one dysfunctional relationship to the next. We need to get to know eachother more. We need to laugh and enjoy ourselves. We need to keep our clothes on. This seems like a fair approach.
The space between the bullets in our firefight
Is where I'll be hiding, waiting for you
The rain that falls splash in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into..
Between our wicked lies
It's where we hope to keep safe from pain. | | |
| I need advice. Like alot of advice. Matt is wonderful. He has gorgeous eyes, makes me laugh, loves flowers and horticulture, and has magical hands. I guess I have a love affair with plants as well as with the people who share the same notion. But advice.. advice.. so he's great. But he's got that other love affair with a girl. And he finally talked to her about liking me, and she said she wanted him to be happy regardless and to tell her if he started liking me more than her. Tonight he asked me to give him a date. A date for him to have decided which of us he wants to continue a intimate relationship with, and which one of us he wants to continue a friendship with.
A date? A decision? That I have to make? Uhh... what? Help!! This is risky. If I give him to soon, he may just decide to stay with her for lack of sureness about him and me. If I give him a date too far ahead, it will be unfair to her and I both. In haste, I said November1, but then we both agreed that's too far ahead. Then I said October 15th, then we both agreed I have to think about it first.
I really don't know. What if the decision is; "Mattea- I'm just not that into you. Sorry." Uhm. I would be crushed. But I was the one who got into ultimatums. And I should be concerned about the best of all things, not just Mattea. That's what this whole thing was about.. no secrets or lies, open and mutual agreements. Loving people in a committed, ethical and consensual way.. freedom of choice in loving relationships. If he were to decide that their relationship was more important to continue, and ours needed to stay a friendship, then I should be okay with that. But I'm not.. and it makes me feel uncomfortable.
It's not that I don't want him to be able to have multiple relationships, it's that him and I can't have one if they are together because she is monogamous. And that's the truth. And any kissing or fooling around we do now just makes me think about her feelings. And then I remember, this is his problem, not mine- and he's gotta solve it if he wants to be with me. So when should I decide to hear the news? I'm wondering how I should decide, if I should consider a date before or after I visit Edmund- which is soon, October 7-11. I mention that because I want to be able to discuss this with him since it will be affecting him too.
How long does someone need to consider sacrificing a long lasting relationship? I feel like I'm not at odds here. | | |
| I had a really great date the other day which has been on my mind since. I haven't even been on many dates, or "real dates" before I don't think. Usually it's just hanging out, which has always been fine. This one just felt like a date for once, it felt really special. He took me to Giles, showed me Ron's (farmer's market) farm that he works on, then we went to the river for a picnic. He brought sushi, hummus, pita and grapes. We talked about religion and relationships, exchanged massages, and then ended in this really intimate embrace. He said my massaging gave him goosebumps, and his definitely gave me them too.. and turned me on. after that embrace we kissed so gently and nicely and enjoyed the day and the cool water on our feet. then he took me to his place to meet his cats and snake which was awesome. he lives only halfway down the block on harding, which is awesome and makes me happy.
Tonight we hung out again at his place and it was good. we both talked about our 'situations' which both happen to be strange and unfortunate ones, but aren't deterring factors. we laughed about it, kissed, talked about agreements.. and I'm hoping we can continue getting to know eachother and maybe it will go somewhere someday. he's sortof seeing somebody who is close and a best friend, but not someone he really feels real intimacy for. he is concerned about breaking it off, because they've been through alot together and feels she will have trouble with them just being friends. i understand it, but hope they can talk and continue the parts of the relationship that work for both of them. i have made my intentions of not hurting anyone clear however, and hope things go smoothly in that way. i'm doing my best to make that a priority.
Edmund and I have been talking about what we want our relationship to be, and I'm hoping to visit soon and discuss it more in person. I tried to point out that monogamy was impractical because of the miles, the uncertainty of when we will get to be together. But I do want to keep building something. I miss him. He sent me a really cute bag with a star and drawstrings that he crocheted for my birthday. He is incredible and wonderful. I can't wait to be close again.
I'm happy with things and glad to be surrounded by love. Inner work is happening, but I'm also enjoying myself. It's a good balance.
Lets go, drive til, the morning comes.
And watch the, sunrise, and fill our souls up.
Well drink some, wine til, we get drunk, yes...
Its crazy Im thinking, just knowing that the world is round.
Im here Im dancing on the ground.
Am I right side up or upside down?
Is this real, oh lord, or am I dreaming? | | |
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